May 28, 2007

Three posts in two days!!

I'm going to try writing about this, since talking about it with my husband didn't really ease my mind.

W's "friend", who owns the land he goes hunting near, we barbecued with, Bubba goes to play with his grandkids, etc. etc., came over today, to bring me an inhaler. He does that, helps us out with puffers since mine are so expensive, and he gets extra from his insurance. He called to see if I needed one, which, of course, I did. I agreed to make lunch. No big deal.

God, it's no easier to write than it was to talk to W about.

Let me just say it. He came on to me. BIG time. No mistaking his intentions. I had been getting a vibe to begin with, but just chalked it up to me being tired, whatever. I totally rebuffed him, he got all apologetic, and left. I know I probably should have handled it different, kicking him out before he just said he was going, but honestly, I was so numb from the shock of it all. I never thought he would make a move like that.

I knew I was going to tell W, but I didn't want to bother him with while he was away. I knew how he'd react. Part of me knew he'd sever ties with him, part of me didn't want him to because he's one of the few friends he has. But what kind of friend does that?

After the race, I couldn't sleep. The scene keeps replaying in my head, along with all kinds of other horrible thoughts and images. I texted (is that even a freakin' word?) W and asked him to call me if he was still up. W handled it well, didn't lose his temper, at least on the phone with me. I know he's pissed. And I was right. He's going up there as soon as he gets home, clearing out his tree stand (for hunting) and that's it. I made him promise not to beat him up or anything like that. He's most likely going to call out there tomorrow, too. I know his temper, and I'm a bit worried...I may ask the neighbor to go with him. Someone.

I don't know how I could have avoided this situation. We've always hugged, kissed on the cheek in greeting and whatnot. He's always said how nice I look, or whatever. Why today did those same things give me the heebies? And what the fuck made him think it would be ok to do something like this. I keep thinking about whether he had it all planned before he even got here. I know I never encouraged anything. I don't want to feel like I'm a victim, and I guess I probably am. Why am *I* the one losing sleep and the one feeling all icky inside? Better question, how the fuck do I make the thoughts stop? W made me agree to take one of his sleeping pills. I always feel like ass in the morning, but with no obligations for the holiday, hopefully it will wear off well before I need to be moving. And if I really oversleep, will someone come and clean up the messes the dogs won't make it outside to do.

There was never a question on whether I'd tell W, only WHEN. If the same had happened to him, I'd want to know. This ties in to something I've not told any living person about, and I'm not telling it here, either. But I know that he would understand my need to know if something like that happened to him. Especially since I'm not sure how he would have reacted. I know how I would WANT him to react, but husbands are tricky about not thinking the same way as we would.

I'm already feeling a little fuzzy from the pill. I was tired to begin with. Yeah, just took a slug of water and I'm a little wobbly. And my typing has deteriorated considerably.

Hopefully the pill will put me under quickly before any nasty thoughts creep in. I feel drunk without the drinking. I'm hoping on being able to walk to the bathroom and pee and then to the bed before falling over or something. I'll be sure to tell you about if I ended up sleeping on the floor in the bathroom. Too bad I can't fit in Bubba's new bed, or I'd go there so I at least smell him a little. I can actually fit in it, it's so big, we're worried about the weight being too much for the little slats holding up the mattress. Oh that's tempting. I miss him. I would love a Bubba snuggle and kiss right now. I'd never ask W to come home early for something this trivial. I just hope he can continue to enjoy himself up there.

Thoughts are getting gooey here now. Goodnite y'all. I'm taking my fucked up mental head off to bed. 'Pologize for any typos I missed, I've looked good and hard at text, but it's getting a mite difficult, what with my head swaying around and all.

Hey y'all all give me some ideas for a category for my mental issues I'm sure to be talking about in the future. nervous breakdown just doesn't have the right ring to it.

"Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream. Mr. Sandmaaan, Courtesy of Lunesta, briiing meee aaaah normal DREAM! "


May 27, 2007

Thoughts for the day

  • I look strange with straight(ish) hair. I showered after my pool time today, and put my hair into a ponytail at the nape of my neck while it was still wet. I commenced to watching the race while lying on the bed, and the tail ended up pretty flat, as was the rest. I brushed it out, then for shits and giggles blew dry it the rest of the way. It was too frizzy, because I don't know what I'm doing, but it was mostly straight. I looked odd. I put leave-in conditioner in and back to my curly perm. Much better.
  • I just saw a commercial to the sequel to Bruce Almighty, called Evan Almighty. I will watch this movie simply for Morgan Freeman. Not sure a sequel was necessary, butI'm hoping it will be funny.
  • I miss my family. I know Bubba is having fun and it's good for W to spend time with his family, but dammit, I need snuggles. It's only been two and a half days.
  • Off to watch the rest of the race.
  • That is all.
  • I like the bullets

May 26, 2007


It's Saturday morning, and I don't normally post at this time. But damn, the house is quiet without Bubba. They made it up to PA just fine, and surprised Grammy and all, because they weren't expecting them until Monday night. Going early meant they got to go camping with everyone. Kinda jealous, but there's no way I could up and take over a week off work.

Last night, I treated myself to dinner out at the restaraunt I used to work at way back when. I quit when I was just about to pop with Bubba. I indulged in a gigantic cheeseburger and some of the awesome dessert the place is 'famous' for. I'm afraid to step on the scale. Oh, yeah, I had a salad instead of french fries, which was a good choice, until I found a ladybug in the salad....supposedly good luck. Let's see how that goes.

While watering the garden when I got home last night, I discovered we have some beans and peas sprouted. Actual beans and peas! The plants are huge and I was wondering when we'd finally have some stuff on them. Nothing from some of the other beans we planted, but I'm sure soon. W transplanted the tomatoes, because all the stuff we planted kinda overtook the small area we put it. Unfortunately, the plants he transplanted look very sad, and some are dead for sure, while others may have a chance to perk up. We waited too long to get it them into the new spot. He planted corn and watermelons and pumpkins in the same area, we tilled up a large patch for all that. Hopefully they'll grow because Bubba is looking forward to pumpkins this fall.

My parents are up in Charlotte for the races this weekend. I wanted to go, even if I didn't go to the race, to see the folks we know up there. Two things worked against me. Gas prices, and the fact I have to work all day today, and a bit on Monday. Sure, I could leave late tonite and get up there for the day Sunday, but the hundred bucks in gas it would cost me isn't worth it for only one day, because I'd have to leave early Monday to make sure I got back in time for work at the station. They offered gas money if that was all that was holding me back, too. I'm planning on some pool time tomorrow, because I'll get the grocery shopping done in between my hours at the station today. I'm also planning on sleeping gloriously late. Well as late as the dogs and cats will let me, since the dogs are used to their first potty break around six.

My brother just signed into Yahoo, so I think I'll go chat with him a while before showering for work. If I don't make it back around, hope you all have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend. Hmm...Laz, you don't celebrate that up in Canada, do you?

May 24, 2007


Ok, so I've really been busy at work. I barely have time to get through my bloglist at lunch before it's time to get back to the grind. (Who really believes I only spend lunch on the internet???) But anyway.

No news, really. W and Bubba are leaving tomorrow morning for a trip to PA as moral support for brother M. The child has been born, don't know specifics. Again, I can't post about it, really. Maybe soon. But I won't until more concrete stuff is known, and that will be a few months, at best. I'll share in email, if anyone wants in on the drama.

I haven't gotten race pics of the camera yet....maybe with my freetime at home with the boys gone, I'll do it there and post some.

In the meantime, enjoy this scrumptious picture I found courtesy of Stuff on my Cat!!!

May 17, 2007

*sigh* so busy

Okay, so I've been slammed at the office. Big surprise. I wasn't really backed up when I got in from being off Friday, but a typical Monday happened so things have gone downhill since then.

Race was awesome, even tho it was postponed until Sunday, so after being out there for 6 hours or so, we had to go home. We spent two hours or so doing the merchandise haulers, then walked back to the car, ate dinner, chatted with folks a bit. Then, had my dad changed clothes like my mom and I did, we would have waited the rain out in the car, instead of IN THE RAIN! We had started walking back to the track to actually go in, and it started raining hard. We took cover as soon as we could, but we were already drenched, plus it was blowing hard so we still got wet. We stood under this canopy tent for over two hours till I finally couldn't take any more. I was not able to stand around because my back and legs and feet were all hurting, so I couldn't imagine how my poor arthritic mama felt. We hobbled back to the car, stripped into dry clothes and cranked up the heat. Then they finally called it so we sat in traffic for ages, finally got moving good and I promptly crashed in the back seat for most of the ride home. Up bright and early the next day to do it all over again. Awesome seats. I had a blast. I've got some great pics, I just haven't taken them off the camera yet. Not sure if I can post the video I shot with the camera will upload or if I can post it here, but I'll try. Was so ready to get home to Bubba, the drive home seemed to take forever. I had a major headache by that time, too. It lasted all night, but was gone when I woke up. I've had a headache every day since, tho and I'm about tired of it.

Softball went well, we won. They still tried to cheat and tweak rules to their benefit, but we expected nothing less. I'm hurting again, which sucks ass. Hopefully better tomorrow.

And the thing about the bikers, Jenn. My one boss does criminal defense. It's Harley Davidson week, so there are lots of bikers getting arrested for silly stuff and serious stuff. Actually haven't had that many calls so far this week, but tomorrow is the biggest day of the rally, so more than likey next Monday they'll all be calling once they get home. We did take in a new DUI, and he is a biker, but his happened before bike week and he's a local. This rally draws huge crowds and people from all over the damn place. It will likely take me more than an hour to get home tonite, and worse tomorrow, because of all the traffic. I have little choice in the way I drive home because of where Nanny lives. Right in the thick of it all, unfortunately. I may be able to go different way tomorrow, since Bubba will stay home with W, as he's been doing on Fridays for quite a while. I'm also leaving at four so that may help a bit, too.

Ok, I'm really tired, and I gotta get some more of this junk off my desk if possible by the end of the day.

May 12, 2007

Ode to Emerson Drive: I should be sleeping!

I knew this was going to happen but hoped that it wouldn't. The race is tomorrow (well, today since it's after midnight), W is crashed out, snoring in lala land thanks to his new sleeping pills, and I can't sleep.

Played hooky from the office today, erm yesterday, damn it, and it was glorious. Got the grocery shopping done early, and was so much nicer than fighting the crowds on the weekends. Spent the rest of the day, just hanging with W and Bubba. Co-napped with Bubba, then we all went swimming in the new big pool, even tho the water was still colder than I like it.

Not much else has been going on, really. W sold his boat and no surprise, the money is gone already. Mostly to good use. A bunch in our Christmas Club, Bubba's savings and our savings, then the groceries today and some other food contribution to come later. If y'all are interested, I'll fill ya in on the Angel Food program, just lemme know if you want the details. Of course, he blew a bunch on manly stuff, but it was his boat, so I can't complain about it.

Major drama going on with W's brother, M, who may or may not actually need all the baby gear he came and got a few weeks ago. Can't publish all details here, but it's just insane.

Congratulations to Andrew, link in the sidebar over there, I don't have my instructions with me on how to do an imbedded link. He and his wife welcomed their first daughter earlier this week. She's a beauty. Also, Andrea (again, see sidebar) and her husband welcomed their second child, another boy a few weeks ago. He's also a beauty. Welcome to the world little ones. And not to leave my other internet buddies out, Jen in Atlanta, best of luck on the last round of paperwork, I hope it gets done soon, and Jen in Montana, your pictures are making me smile often, so I hope you'll keep posting them. And Dooney, soon enough I'll be posting a welcome to YOUR new little one!

I'm obviously very excited about the race. I'll be leaving home around eleven to head to my parents and we're planning on leaving around noon. Takes about two hours to get to the track, and traffic will determine how long to actually GET into the track. We'll have plenty of time to cruise the merchandise haulers and what not. I'm gonna get Bubba some new stickers for his awesome racecar bed, something for W and something for myself. My biggest concern is the weather. All week they have said more than 50 percent chance of evening thunderstorms, and of course it is a night race. I am hoping it doesn't rain hard enough to postpone to Sunday because I don't wanna spend another entire day away from W and Bubba. This is my big treat, though, Mother's Day gift from my parents. I know I deserve it and I'm making myself NOT feel guilty about it, but the lingering thoughts are still there. I am going to thoroughly enjoy myself, I know that. But I'll miss my men. Hopefully in a few years we'll be able to take Bubba to a race, and he'll grow to love racing as much as me.

Umm. I've been slacking on my exercise this week, but a bit better with the food. Somehow the scale was down a few more pounds this morning, for a total of five in the last few weeks. Since I know I'm going to be horrible food wise tomorrow, I am not expecting those numbers to stay the same. I will get a lot of exercise by way of walking from the parking lot to the track, around the haulers and so on. Whether that will balance out, I don't know. Theoretically, there's only five pounds to go to get back to where I was last summer. However, I'd like to lose ten more on top of that, but I don't think my body will cooperate without starving.

Happy Mother's day to everyone, whether your babies are two legged or furry and four legged. Keep my fat boy, Jack, in your thoughts, because I'm not too sure he's feeling well. Every time I'm in the kitchen he yowls his head off until I pick him up and put him on the counter in front of the food so he can eat. He's so fat he's having more and more trouble jumping up there. Not sure of the last time he made it himself. Plus he hid out one day under the bed in the spare room, and didn't come to bed with us to sleep on my head. Freaked me out. He's 11. Tigger died when she was 10, so I'm a little gun shy at this point. I don't think Bubba would handle it well if something happened. And I know *I* wouldn't.

All right, gonna give bed another shot. Don't wanna wake up Papa Bear, even tho his snoring just got a lot louder. No wonder I'm having trouble getting to sleep. I hate to wake him though to yell about the snoring, because he rarely gets a full night sleep, even with the pills. So I will suffer.

I'll update on Monday if I'm not too crazy at work, from being off on Friday. Mondays always suck, anyway. Plus bike week started so we'll be fielding lots of calls from bikers arrested for various things. Fun fun.

May 06, 2007

I hate thinking up titles.

Okay y'all, I'm in a bit of a bitchy mood today. Well, honestly, I'm always kinda bitchy. But, anyway. I've mentioned how much I've been working on the weekends, and how it's upsetting me, because I'm getting so little time with Bubba and W. Well now, even mother nature is conspiring against me. I worked the Busch race Friday nite, and the Cup race was last nite. No, was SUPPOSED to be last nite. It got rained out after two hours of coverage. So instead of trying to wait out the rain, they blew it off to run it today. Which sucks, because I was only supposed to work for two hours today, and would have been home shortly after NOON. Now, I'm waiting until one for the race to start all over again. The good news was I got to go home and actually do bedtime, but that turned into a nightmare as he decided to fight going to sleep again. I'm so tired. Tired of working my butt off and not seeming to get any results. I know it's only temporary, and this is the last Sunday I'll have to work. My boss promised me all next weekend off, which is no biggie, I'm scheduled off for Saturday anyway because it's the race I'm going to, but now I'll have Friday night off as well, and won't have to worry about voicetracking a shift. I'm most likely gonna take a sick day from the office on Friday and we are thinking about taking Bubba to his first movie at the mall, if something suitable is playing, of course.

In other news, the mice may be gone for now. We put some poison out, but haven't replaced all the dry foods in the cabinets yet. My last three or so poop checks have come up clean so with the food gone, maybe they've moved on or they just can't get in anymore. And yes, y'all, I have TWO cats, but there are two problems. One, the damn mice aren't coming OUT of the cabinets into the house for the cats to even see them. And two, I don't think the cats would even know what to do if they did. They are kinda lazy and spoiled. Only one has claws, and she was a farm cat, so maybe she'd remember she's supposed to kill that stuff, but, honestly, I'm happy they've stayed in the cabinets even tho they ate a bunch of stuff.

Softball rematch is Tuesday, but won't be a true rematch because a bunch of players have changed....did I already mention that? Still looking forward to it, even tho I'm gonna be sore again.

Umm...nothing else going on. So little variance in my routine from week to week, so there's isn't much to discuss. I'll let you know how softball goes. Then I'll have pics and recap of the race next week, wait, y'all don't like racing, so maybe I'll skip that.

Catch ya later.

May 04, 2007

Of mice and hair

Mouse damage pictures and my new 'do below.

The pics of me probably won't stay up long, I think I look horrendous.